That was an extremely satisfying hour to watch, with only a few minor quibbles, but nothing that isn’t blown to smithereens in a huge green inferno. Since this was a very event-focused hour as many characters’ stories merge together, commenting by person makes little sense, so I’ll just go scene by scene.

Stannis finally arrives in Blackwater. Quibble: another huge attack to happen at night. Obviously there are dozens of reasons for this—the explosion will look more impressive; production can hide the scale of things in the dark so few can pretend to be many; it’s still a perfectly viable invasion tactic, certainly for a castle siege; GRRM wrote it that way, so we hardly have a choice, etc.—but that still doesn’t detract from the fact that I’M NOT GOING TO ABLE TO SEE EVERYTHING! Now, I do eventually (and quite easily) get over this, but I am kinda tired of having all these great battles happening in the dark. (I’ve been spoiled in no small way by the Avengers, who staged their gigantic battle in the brightly-lit afternoon.)

Davos’ kid can’t help but get all religious again, and I quietly hope he dies. Maybe if he didn’t sound like a cultist I could drop it, but…oh…never mind.

Awwww, Tyrion and Shae really like each other. I find it fascinating that Tyrion would rather be anywhere (or anyone) else, but he’s stuck with his last name. He has to fight because if the Lannisters lose (warranted or not), his head will go right up next to theirs on the ramparts (deserved or not). The only Lannister not ever really acting like one (or at least when he does, he has a certain guilt about it), and yet the only one I’ve seen to be worthy of such a powerful name.

Cersei gets her royal save-one-bullet-for-yourself way out: nightshade! She seems exhausted now. What’s the use of holding up airs if you’re about to burn in a few hours? Time to get drunk and bitter about her screwed-up family.

Heee! Drink, f***, and be merry, for tomorrow we die! Bronn is always fun to watch—get that bit o’ nudity in before the extended violence!—and his quip about his nose had me rolling. Then the Hound shows up and has to get all icy-serious on everything. Not that I don’t get how much rage he has, but couldn’t he have just stewed by himself somewhere? Cuz now Bronn’s had enough and one of them is going di…oh thank the gods: saved by the bell. War’s on!

Varys is hanging out with Tyrion while he girds up for battle. Tyrion’s trying to hide behind his humor, while Varys…I think he would really miss Tyrion as the Hand, whether Tyrion ever fit in with his personal schemes or not. (Unlike Littlefinger, whom I think Varys views more as an annoying neighbor with similar interests.) Ever the enigma, Varys comes close to revealing all sorts of juicy details, but never quite delivers on any of them. (Natch.) However, he does pass over a map of every passageway in and out of the castle, and he does reveal Stannis’ dealings with Melisandre, who would be BAD for the throne. (Cultists in charge, and all that.) I totally agree, and find it difficult to root for either Rasputin or Stalin. (I just move down a rank and root for either Davos or Tyrion.)

Davos matches the Lannisters’ bells with his ships’ rowing drums. Couldn’t help thinking that any time the drums started on the anime Naruto, some bad guy was about to get his ass definitively kicked.

Bronn and Tyrion share a few last bro-words before heading out; by contrast, Joffrey has to be a d-bag to Sansa again, even as she passive-aggressively calls him a wuss. Both exchanges made me chuckle.

It becomes keenly obvious (like it wasn’t already) that Tyrion is the general of this war, and whatever his tactics are, Joffrey is completely oblivious to them, to the point where he has to bitch about how unconventional everything is. “Why is <predictably usual tactic> not happening?!” “Shut up, you brat!” Davos, on the other hand, can already tell something isn’t right; unfortunately, he just can’t figure out what.

Cersei holes up in the bowels of Red Keep with all the womenfolk. I can’t say I got much out of all this huddling refuge stuff. Maybe I was caught up in the fighting; I normally like Cersei, but her picking on Sansa shouldn’t have dragged so much. I get that Cersei’s at the end of whatever rope she has, even to the point of bad-mouthing Joffrey, and the dawning of her expected fate has got her lashing out at easy-target Sansa. It was almost about to get interesting as Cersei was trying to crack Shae—the same way Tywin was needling Arya; must be a Lannister skill—but then Lancel bumbles in and Shae is regretfully forgotten. I expect breaks in the adrenaline rush to prolong that intensity; I just didn’t expect those breaks to disagree with me so. (I’m willing to take partial blame for this if the majority of the audience enjoyed these scenes.)

And then came the lit match in the pitch-black room. Davos finally gets it too late to do anything about it, and I loved the lengthy pause as we followed Bronn’s arrow through its entire arc. The wake fuse is lit, burns FAST, and…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Well, sheeee-it, that’ll wake ya up! The pyromancers sure delivered. I was a bit shocked that force of this stuff (all packed into one ship) just SHREDDED several hundred yards of warship. Loved the mix of conventional flames and Wildfire Green! It’s possible that Davos survived—I wouldn’t bet on it—but his “enlightened” son is green toast.

However, Stannis is untouched, having held back enough ships for a beach landing. He seems somewhat unimpressed that Tyrion has devastated his forces—“Can’t play that trick again.”—even though he seems pretty sure that even more will die, although I’m honestly not sure if his “thousands” meant everyone in King’s Landing, or if he’s resigned to something like D-Day, where failure is just not an option, no matter how many die, damn the machine guns!

Well, sure enough, Stannis hits the beach, still losing men to archer barrage, but he keeps pushing toward the Mud Gate. Tyrion is a little surprised (and a lot disappointed) that Stannis is refusing to give up. Joffrey whines that there are too many attackers, the Hound is ordered to hold the Gate, and reinforcements are recalled from the main gates. Looks like this is going toe-to-toe.

The Hound kills like a lawnmower, while Lancel gets his idiot self shot and runs all the way back to Cersei to “report the war status”. Cersei demands Joffrey be returned to where he won’t be slaughtered, but not back to her, because then Joffrey would be too blatantly a coward. (Really, Cersei? Is there anyone who doesn’t know that yet?) And this is where everything goes wrong.

The Hound gets spooked by a soldier on fire, and bails out. His men follow him obediently. Now unopposed, Stannis erects a few siege ladders and starts killing guardsmen up on the battlements. A longboat is flipped over to become a battering ram tank to assault the Mud Gate. After the Hound tells him to f*** off, Joffrey wets himself and runs off to hide under his bed. Last-man-standing Tyrion announces he will lead the counteroffensive, and a bunch of the newly-arrived reinforcements suddenly find other non-fighting places to be…which is the last straw. The lion that Shae keeps calling Tyrion rears up, and delivers one of those “Follow me, DAMMIT!” speeches that rouses whatever courage is left inside these walls. “There are brave men knocking at our door! Now let’s go and kill them!”

Cersei gives up, grabs her youngest and flees the room (likely before Ilyn starts “saving” the womenfolk). Shae urges Sansa to do the same, and Sansa goes to hole up in her room. Where (once again!) the Hound just happens to be waiting. (Tell me he wasn’t sniffing her undergarments.) The Beast implores Beauty to come with him; he’ll take her anywhere she wants to go and protect her. Sansa seems to think she’s safe already, not being a Lannister to exterminate, which kinda pisses him off, so he tries to scare into following him. But Sansa still doesn’t bite (for some f***ing reason), and I guess that’s the end of that budding romance.

Using Varys map, Tyrion and his men shuffle out through the ventilation systems, and ambush the gate-rammers. Tyrion taking the captain’s leg clean off was GREAT. The boat-ram is un-capsized and set aflame. Huzzah! Except…

This is where a bunch of stuff happened in rapid succession, and some of it got over my head my first view through. As my brain tried to process the last what-just-happened moment, the next one was already starting and I just couldn’t keep up. (Cersei’s suicide fairy tale wasn’t helping.) As such, I found myself abruptly at the end of the war, spoiling myself the conclusion before I had figured out how we got there.

Just as Tyrion gets his praise—I’m not certain chanting “Half-Man” is much of a compliment—Stannis’ reinforcements run their blitz. It almost seems like they were hiding around the corner of the castle, waiting for a “dramatic moment” in which to emerge; I honestly have no idea where they came from, or what took them so long to show up. Tyrion scuffles with a spearman, breaks free and then gets slashed by his own man? Presumably this joker had orders from Joffrey to kill the Imp and make it look like a battlefield casualty? Turns out Tyrion’s squire Podrick is as trustworthy as he hoped.

And then the cavalry shows up, and routs Stannis’ forces, but it took me a few viewings to get that. It wasn’t quickly clear to me which side these horses were on, as they seemed to be Baratheon, or maybe Lannister, and then they charged into an already-mishmashed collection of Baratheon and Lannister foot soldier melees. And it wasn’t until Stannis is screaming “Nooo!” and Tywin strides into the throne room what had happened.

Apparently, this was supposed to be a real mindfuck on Stannis, as Ser Loras showed up dressed like Renly. Oops! Back from the dead for revenge?!? (Unfortunately, I had already seen Loras at the end before I realized he was masquerading as his dead lover.) Instead of heading after Robb (as I’m sure we were supposed to assume), Tywin headed south to align with the highly-pissed Knight of Flowers, and bring their full hooved forces down on Stannis. (Unfortunately, I had already seen Tywin at the end as well; still surprising, but slightly less so than it maybe could have been.) And that many horses trumped whatever footmen Stannis had left; with good reason, they quit and fled, leaving Stannis alone on the wall to be captured. (Maybe y’all shouldn’t have run up there all alone, you blowhard.)

So the Lannisters win. Um…yay? No, not really. Joffrey’s going to be frakkin’ insufferable now, crowing about his win, lining the walls with heads. Tywin will probably take command of the Riverun through Ser Loras, and beat Robb back to the snowline. Margaery will probably find a way to get naked…but for Joffrey??? EW. (Sansa better get scarce fast!) There’s still time for Brienne to bust Jaime’s balls, but I doubt Tywin will honor any of Tyrion’s deals. Speaking of Tyrion…

…Well, Tyrion better not be dead. I realize that GRRM likes to whack characters (popular ones too), but HBO just got the only awards they could through Dinklage, and to remove him would be DISASTROUS. Ned’s death was a shock, but that told the full tale of the first book; GRRM was already done with him. Nobody is done with Tyrion yet, so I hope GRRM agrees.

I’m not holding out much hope that Stannis survives much longer, unless Melisandre needs him for some reason and this war goes into sudden death overtime. By my count, that’s three of three Baratheons. Does that end the whole House?

(And we’re not actually going to leave Theon alive up there, are we?)

I'm not going to answer any of your (delcious) questions at teh end there - though i am sorely tempted to. You'll find out in a little over forty eight hours anyway.

I will say though - don't feel bad about being confused at teh end there. i ahd to expalin to pretty mcuh EVERY non reader of my acquaintance just what was going on with knight of Flowers and tywin at the end there -a dn hwo Tywin tunred the tabels on Stannis. it came off much clearer in the novels than it did in the show. Kind of hard to recognize Renly's armor and all that.

So, is every season of Game of Thrones going to end like The Empire Strikes Back? We tie up a few threads that needed knotting, throw out a dozen Character Set-ups to position them for next season, and tease one big “holy crap” on the spine of the next year’s skeleton. Come to think of it, that’s how HBO ends ALL its series’ seasons.

I’m not as satisfied with the conclusions this time as I was after last season’s execution, but that might be because I’ve now had time to really stew in my loathing—Lannisters-suck loathing, not doesn’t-match-the-book loathing—of some characters, many of whom yet live but really oughtn’t, and, much like real life, often the good guys do not win, they just persevere while the victorious bad guys laugh at them. Given time, I’m sure I’ll find this series of seasonal denouements as strong as the last batch.

So, the Lannisters win…no, that’s not entirely accurate. Joffrey, Tywin, and Cersei win, and, in what has to be the most obnoxious set of planned speeches, lay out the spoils for their allies and the dog bowls for anyone else. Having demolished one front of his war, Tywin is ready to be the Hand of the King and take his newly annexed armies to dance on Robb’s head. He’s so damn excited, his horse can’t even hold its own manure. Fresh off her drunken binge of bitchiness, Cersei gleefully severs any royal attachments to Sansa (or any Starks) and shoves Joffrey’s smug face into Margaery Tyrell’s proudly-displayed, ambitious bosom. (The double entendres flow out of Margaery’s mouth like a broken spigot.) I do find it amusing that the last time a king preened in front of Natalie Dormer like that puke Joffrey, it was Henry VIII from The Tudors: “Oh, but I can’t, Mother, I am betrothed to another! What? Screw the Pope and start my own Church? Why, then of course I shall take Anne Boleyn to bed! Farewell, Sansa!”

On the other hand, informed by a gloating Pycelle, all Tyrion gets is a huge facial scar and a lower west side studio apartment next to the boiler room. He’s completely responsible for winning the war—yes, Tywin and Loras did the mopping up, but Tyrion culled and stalled Stannis enough to make it possible—and he doesn’t even get a thank you (except from Varys…suddenly I feel bad for not trusting Varys). In fact, they’ll probably try to kill Tyrion again. And what’s really sad is…that’s what he lives for! Playing the game is all he feels he’s good at—or worse, all he ever enjoys—and this is just the end of the current turn. Not all the way “back to start” at least: he still has Shae (good thing, since Bronn’s unaccounted for), and he seems to be whatever Varys considers a friend to be. With Varys’ recruitment of Ros, this will be a subversive team to watch, if they survive.

Then there’s Baelish, who seems to just keep breaking even without literally losing his head. Using Loras’s rage to get back into King’s Landing after falling out of Cersei’s favor, he is bequeathed Harrenhal…is that really a reward? Harrenhal is a frickin’ ashtray that Joffrey throws around like it’s a cake: “He gave me a castle, but all I really got was a moatload of upkeep, taxes, and headache.” Ever the opportunist, Littlefinger seems to “rescue” Sansa from her demotion to royal concubine (and chew toy), but he’s really just acquiring leverage against Catelyn’s heart. (Why that girl just won’t LEAVE that blasted place is beyond me.)

Stannis…what the hell?? He’s griping at Melisandre for her absentee god, and I want to know WHY HE’S STILL ALIVE!! Was he not captured? Imprisoned? Executed? For a while, I thought this entire scene was a dream inside his addled head as he talked to the rats in his cell. Then it gradually dawned on me that he somehow floated his defeated carcass back to Dragonstone. How this journey was even possible was apparently left on the cutting room floor! Ah, whatever. Some more Lord of Light smoke blown up his ass, and Stannis isn’t even listening anymore. I think I really need to read the books to understand why these two are anyone’s favorites.

Robb secretly marries Padme…er, Talisa, defying his mother’s advice and his vow to Frey, because…well, because apparently he felt that the Stark Experience just didn’t have enough complications. Hey, Robb, I dig her too, but you aren’t winning here, pal. Think maybe you could keep it in your pants until, let’s say, you have MORE than HALF of your family accounted for, eh? This is the first truly stupid thing Robb’s done—the trusting-Theon thing was naïve, perhaps, but not completely his fault—and I’m quite disappointed in him. (I think that was the list of the Seven Gods, wasn’t it? Oddly generic: no names, just “stations”.)

Brienne has a job to do, and the skill and the balls to get it done. “Two quick deaths…” Shocking. And for once, Jaime keeps his flapping yap shut. It sure is taking them a long time to get back to King’s Landing; I really have no idea where they are now…

Theon refuses to back down because he will not be…uh…The Guy That Backed Down! Even though he has no chance in hell of surviving this battle, he will rally his thugs to die for hi…oh wait, no he won’t, never mind. As I suspected, Robb’s generous offer was immediately accepted unanimously because Theon is the King of Twits, and his hardass crew is not going to put up with DEATH just because the King of Twits is the last Greyjoy heir. But they’re still ironborn bastards after all, so they might as well kill Luwin with a slow gut wound and torch the place on their way out. Bran’s Clan wanders off into the woods, and Winterfell joins Harrenhal on the list of Westeros’ Briquettes of Interest. (It isn’t yet clear if Theon is actually dead, so there’s still a chance I will get to see Robb yell at him.)

Arya and her misfits finally bump into Jaqen after he effortlessly slaughtered the night guard, and FINALLY it is revealed why he is so damn good at what he does. He’s also from Braavos, like Syrio, which is apparently where the best swordsmen are built. (I’m not surprised…well, I mean, I was surprised when Jaqen announced it, but I’m not surprised that that’s the explanation.) Arya finally feels her calling, but won’t go with Jaqen until her family is safe. (Better hurry up, girl; you’re running out of family to save.) So she gets a coin and a password, and Jaqen gets…swarthier. Now I got piles of questions about Jaqen and Braavos and Syrio and Arya’s future…

Daenerys goes to the Tower of the Undying to retrieve her Dragons, and ends up on her own spiritual walkabout: a ruined snowy Iron Throne Room (the future?), the tunnel through the Wall, and a tent with Drogo and Rhaego inside. I think she finally says goodbye, and ends the illusion, finding her dragonettes chained to a pedestal. Pyat Pree does his usual mirror image trick, manacling Dany with them, claiming some kind of power boost or something while they’re there. But Dany says the magic word (“Sic balls!”) and the warlock is incinerated by itty bitty dragonfire. Now absolutely done with the perfect city known as Qarth, she snakes Daxos’ vault key, finds that he’s a complete fraud—power is where men say it is—and locks him and her stupid, stupid ex-servant girl in the empty vault. Jorah tells the Dothraki to loot the palace dry; let’s go get a damn ship already!

In the last phase of Quorin’s gambit, he blows a valve and steams all over Jon Snow. The fight seemed real enough—could have been, for all I know the Halfhand—but, earnest or not, victorious at the end there, Snow made the choice to run Quorin through. Everyone seems to have bought it though, especially Ygritte, so we finally get to…WAIT a year before meeting the mythical Mance Rayder. But it may be too late for Jon to do anything about it, for the White Walkers and their undead hordes are already on the move. (Run, Samwell, run!)

I think my only problem this season is a certain perception of “padding” the further we got from the King War. Beyond business practicality—i.e. actors under contract, so we can’t NOT use them—Daenerys’ story feels a little bit like a circular distraction, and Jon Snow’s story feels like it could have told faster. (More than a few of my viewer friends are just fed up with the Wall.) Did GRRM devote that much time to Jon and Dany in the book, or were their chapters bound together more expediently? More like Intermissions instead of quick cigarette breaks? (None of this really detracted from any of my enjoyment: I’m still interested in the northier North, and any time with Emilia Clarke is a delight.)

And with that, we close for another year. Put away the northern zombies and pick up the southern vampires…

 I just wanted to clear up the Jaqen part a bit. He is what is known as a Faceless Man. They have the ability (we have no clue how much, if any, magic is used) to change their face. Not sure how it works or how many faces they can choose from. You can hire them as assassins, but they cost a retarded amount of money. Like enough money that Tywin Lannister would probably think better of hiring one. One of the things the show left out in the first season was the Small Council discussing whether to hire a Sorrowful Man or a regular assassin to kill Dany or not. Someone, maybe Robert?, I think mentions hiring a Faceless Man and everyone pretty much just laughs at the idea.

Clash of Kings was a pretty slow book in general. We didn't really get to see much Robb in the books and we spent a lot more time on Sansa. The last 150 pages or so were really the only exciting parts of the book. There wasn't quite as much Dany and Jon as there was in the show, but they didn't create that much extra for them either. Although they completely changed the Dany story. Like they changed it enough that I don't even know how her story is going to work.

jgt7771 said:

This might get explained when the DVD's come out or perhaps next season but Harrenhal is actually pretty desirable. The lands that go with the Lordship are considerable and very valuable. Okay, its still reputed to be cursed but Littlefinger ain't scared of some old wives tales.

How can you guys watch the HBO show; play LCG card game; and not read the books?  Try the audio books if you hate reading.  =)